2013년 11월 24일 일요일

About 'double pierced belly button'|Tis Another Survey







About 'double pierced belly button'|Tis Another Survey








               "Maintenance,               Stan               speaking.

What               broke?"               Stanley               Mallet               refused               to               cave               in               and               recite               the               whole               Declaration               of               Independence               like               the               boss               insisted               every               time               he               picked               up               the               phone.

It               was               demeaning.

He'd               do               it               if               the               boss               was               standing               there,               but               this               hadn't               happened               in               years.

The               last               time               was               four               years               ago               around               the               same               time               old               lady               Harrigan's               parakeet               flew               out               her               window               and               banked               left               into               an               open               window               where               three               bungling               counterfeiters               were               counting               fake               twenties               in               a               smoke               filled,               dingy               room.
               The               nervous               crooks               jumped               out               of               their               skin               when               the               screeching               bright               green               bird               flew               in               their               faces               and               nearly               took               out               Joey's               good               eye.

Joey               "Bag-o-Donuts",               whose               reflexes               were               sharper               than               his               mind,               fired               the               double-barreled               shotgun               and               summoned               the               authorities               quicker               than               if               the               old               fire               alarm               had               worked.

The               blast               pulverized               the               bay               window               and               sent               shards               of               glass               and               debris               out               and               onto               Broad               Street,               seven               flights               below,               where               its               remains               nearly               hit               the               C               Bus.

All               that               remained               was               a               gaping               hole               large               enough               to               accommodate               the               Mummer's               Parade.

The               parakeet               immediately               took               the               hint               and               decided               on               the               spot               this               would               be               an               ideal               time               to               see               what               Miami               was               all               about               and               flew               out               the               new               exit.

Last               seen,               he               was               heading               due               south,               straight               as               an               arrow.
               During               the               trial               at               City               Hall,               the               jury               lost               any               semblance               of               order               and               roared               when               Joey               "Bag-o-Donuts"               took               the               stand.

The               felon               admitted               he               thought               the               small               tropical               bird               was               his               aunt               Griselda               with               the               glass               eye               who               had               returned               from               the               dead               and               had               come               back               for               him.

Joey               panicked.

Lucky               for               the               parakeet,               the               gang's               "muscle"               was               a               lousy               shot.

He               missed               the               bird               and               nearly               took               off               his               own               foot               during               the               assault.

"Griselda's               Glass-Eyed               Ghost               Caper,"               as               it               came               to               be               known,               landed               the               inept               crooks               in               Holmsburg               Prison               where               the               three               counterfeiters               were               wisely               placed               in               the               facility's               printing               shop               to               keep               them               out               of               trouble.
               Stan's               boss               was               a               constant               pain               in               the               neck;               always               ready               to               "jump               down               your               throat               and               tie               your               shoes".

Stanley               hated               the               `bean-counter'               and               complained               to               whoever               would               listen.

He               outlasted               the               nine               previous               bosses               and               dubbed               the               latest               skinhead               "Chrome               Dome".

Only               once               was               he               forced               to               sing               the               blasted               telephone               greeting               song               when               his               idiot               boss               pressed               the               wrong               button               and               stepped               off               the               elevator               in               the               basement               instead               of               the               first               floor.

Stan's               workplace               was               down               there.

Frozen               solid               and               blinking               as               if               mesmerized               by               headlights               coming               towards               him,               Chrome               Dome               inadvertently               caught               Stan               off               guard               as               he               clipped               his               fingernails               and               had               his               feet               up               on               the               desk.

Just               as               their               eyes               connected               and               Chrome               Dome               was               about               to               launch               into               a               long-winded               speech,               Stanley               was               saved               by               the               annoying               telephone               ring               that               would               no               doubt               reveal               the               nature               of               the               most               current               emergency               facing               the               building.
               Forced               to               recite               the               "Declaration               of               Independence               greeting               speech"               because               the               boss               was               breathing               down               his               neck,               he               carefully               slid               his               desk               drawer               open               a               couple               inches               revealing               the               script               he               cleverly               taped               inside               the               drawer               for               occasions               like               this.

Stanley               picked               up               the               phone               and               spoke               clearly               into               the               mouthpiece               with               what               could               have               been               the               passionate               voice               of               the               late               Gene               Hart               announcing               Bobby               Clark's               unassisted               goal               and               the               Flyer's               fifth               hat-trick               of               the               season.

"Good               morning!

High               Soar               Towers               Maintenance,               where               your               pest               is               our               pest               and               nobody               rests               until               it's               out               of               the               nest,               ha               ha               ha.

Stan's-the-man               Mallet.

How               may               I               help               you               this               bright               sunny               day,               ha               ha               ha?"               How               humiliating.

Next,               he'd               be               wearing               a               monkey               wrench               costume               and               handing               out               lollipops.
               Stan               was               the               building               superintendant               at               the               homely               ten-story               apartment               building               rumored               to               have               been               built               by               slaves               shortly               after               they               put               up               the               Sphinx.

Pushing               sixty,               he               was               proud               that               he               outlasted               all               the               employees               who               did               time               in               the               old               building.
               Good               Help               is               Hard               to               Find
               Only               his               helper,               Bucky,               had               hung               on               as               long.

Some               people               believed               Bucky               came               with               the               place               and               was               the               eternal               custodian.

He               appeared               at               different               locations               around               the               building               at               all               hours               with               an               interesting               assortment               of               odd               tools               dangling               from               his               leather               utility               belt               which               lent               him               the               "gladiator               look"               although               Tinkerbell               could               knock               him               over               with               a               feather.

He               always               seemed               to               be               doing               something               important               so               no               one               ever               asked               what               he               was               doing.

It's               still               a               mystery               what               he               was               doing               on               the               flat               roof               that               day               with               a               mop,               a               box               of               light               bulbs,               a               tape               measure,               a               step-ladder,               and               forty               feet               of               rope               when               the               near               tragic               accident               occurred               and               he               still               isn't               talking.
               Scared               senseless,               Mrs.

Gazinski               on               the               top               floor,               screamed               like               a               loose               fan               belt               on               a               Volvo               when               she               saw               the               bottom               half               of               Bucky               kicking               the               air               outside               her               window               directly               behind               her               television               during               Jeopardy.

Her               eyes               nearly               popped               out               of               her               head               and               she               almost               ripped               the               phone               from               the               wall               when               she               called               for               help.

Stanley               rushed               up               there               and               came               to               Bucky's               rescue               within               a               minute.

He               pulled               Bucky               back               up               onto               the               roof               just               in               time               but               within               a               week               Bucky's               hair               turned               ghostly               white               and               he               began               mumbling               to               himself.

He               seemed               involved               in               an               argument               that               he               was               losing.
               A               thirty               year               chain-smoker,               he               muttered               inaudible               words               and               stumbled               about               with               a               cigarette               dangling               from               his               mouth.

The               long               ash               on               the               end               of               the               cigarette               appeared               ready               to               fall               off               at               any               second               which               held               people's               interest               more               than               than               the               small               talk               about               the               Eagles'               victory               over               the               hated               Cowboys.

His               hacking               cough               announced               his               presence               and               the               familiar               tinny               "clink"               his               large               metal               cigarette               lighter               made               as               he               flicked               it               open               followed               by               the               loud               resounding               clank               heard               four               seconds               later               when               he               snapped               it               shut               pinpointed               his               whereabouts.

He               never               quite               caught               up               with               the               tasks               Stan               assigned               and               was               constantly               playing               "catch               up".

Bucky               definitely               was               a               permanent               part               of               the               building's               anatomy               but               exactly               which               part               was               unclear.
               Stan               signed               on               at               BM,               or               Building               Maintenance,               back               when               headlights               were               round,               skirts               were               short,               and               the               quality               of               stereo               speakers               were               determined               by               size.

He               was               certain               he               had               replaced               every               light               switch,               toilet               seat               and               window               shade               in               the               joint               at               one               time               or               another.

Stanley               fixed               everything               from               knocking               radiators,               squeaking               doors,               pilot               lights               that               had               gone               out,               dripping               faucets,               collapsed               beds,               jammed               locks,               burned               out               bulbs               in               hard               to               reach               places,               drafty               windows,               clanging               pipes               and               things               that               went               bump               in               the               night.

He               dealt               with               the               cockroach               infestation               that               worked               out               of               the               the               north               side               of               the               building               adjacent               to               where               a               two-egg,               home               fries,               coffee               and               toast               breakfast               could               be               had               for               a               buck               back               in               the               day.

Dirty               Ernie's               had               been               a               Philadelphia               institution,               a               landmark               as               it               were.
               The               Lurking               Roach               Problem
               The               exterminator               showed               up               every               other               Wednesday               but               was               spotted               and               outsmarted               before               he               even               got               out               of               the               truck.

The               original               "Broad               Street               Bullies",               the               binocular               wielding               cockroaches               would               stand               on               their               hind               legs               and               look               around               for               the               uniformed               man               with               the               tank               and               spray               gun.

Once               spotted,               the               "lookout"               would               sound               the               alarm               and               send               the               gang               scurrying               below               amidst               shouts               of               "Hit               the               dirt!

Dive!

Dive!"               The               little               six-legged               dinosaurs               would               scamper               into               deeper               recesses               beneath               the               building               with               SWAT               Team               efficiency.

Like               clockwork,               minutes               after               the               man               drove               off,               the               scout-roach               would               announce               "all               clear"               and               in               no               time               things               returned               to               normal               under               the               kitchen               sink               and               behind               the               toilet.

They               were               extremely               organized.
               The               Ups               and               Downs               of               the               Elevator
               The               elevator               was               a               constant               aggravation               on               top               of               everything               else.

Stan               fixed               the               finicky               elevator               weekly               but               the               minute               he'd               put               his               tools               away               the               prima               donna               elevator               would               come               down               with               a               new               ailment.

Apparently,               the               elevator               preferred               some               floors               over               others               so               when               it               did               manage               to               stop               at               one               of               its               more               unpopular               floors,               out               of               spite,               it               would               stop               short               and               force               the               passengers               to               step               up,               down,               or               stub               their               toe               and               stumble               out               into               the               hallway.

When               Judgment               Day               comes               and               certain               souls               are               dispatched               to               hell,               there               is               no               question               as               to               where               the               line               will               form               and               who               will               take               them               there.

In               addition,               the               coffin-sized               box               had               a               vindictive               streak               a               mile               wide               that               chased               the               prudent               tenants               into               the               stairwells               which               made               room               for               the               brave               who               felt               meeting               death               head-on               was               the               best               way               to               avoid               it.

The               adrenalin               thrill               seekers               wondered               what               a               plummeting               elevator               would               feel               like               and               planned               to               jump               straight               up               at               the               exact               moment               it               hit               bottom.

Even               the               brave,               however,               could               not               suppress               a               gulp               once               the               door               squeaked               closed               and               the               "hellevator"               rose               from               the               dead.
               Jiggling               the               Handle               Doesn't               Always               Work
               Stanley               endured               many               hardships               on               the               job,               but               the               outdated               plumbing               took               the               cake.

Just               as               presidents               blame               previous               administrations,               Stan               felt               the               original               plumber               deserved               a               slow,               painful               death               involving               toilet               plungers,               cockroaches,               and               a               long               ride               in               an               elevator.

As               toilets               flushed               on               the               lower               floors,               shrieks               broke               out               on               the               upper               floors.

Hysterical               in               nature,               these               shrieks               shattered               glass               and               got               the               dogs               going               like               the               Mormon               Tabernacle               Choir.

Likewise,               as               washing               machines               went               through               their               cycles,               wet,               naked               people               were               alternately               frozen               and               scalded               and,               no               doubt,               just               as               the               soap               got               in               their               eye.

Further,               when               fickle               toilets               clogged               on               the               lower               floors               this               caused               the               drains               on               the               upper               floors               to               back               up               with               raw,               lumpy,               juicy               sewage               and               in               no               time               the               dominos               would               fall               up               and               turn               High               Soar               Towers               into               a               time               bomb               that               Stanley               had               minutes               to               defuse.
               Over               time,               he               wore               out               hundreds               of               toilet               plungers               so               everyone               at               the               local               plumbing               supply               knew               him               well.

As               soon               as               they'd               spot               him               they'd               reach               for               a               new               plunger               and               try               their               best               to               stifle               a               laugh.

After               the               transaction,               as               he'd               turn               to               leave,               someone               would               yell               "Have               a               nice               day               Stan.

Go               with               the               flow!"               and               then               laughter               would               erupt               at               Stanley's               expense.
               Beauty               is               Only               Skin               Deep               But               Ugly               Goes               to               the               Bone
               High               Soar               Towers,               commonly               known               as               "Eye               Sore               Towers",               was               situated               on               Broad               Street               and               back               in               the               day               when               they               put               her               up               she               was               the               tallest               building               for               blocks               and               helped               define               the               city's               skyline:               boring.

For               years,               a               city               ordinance               prevented               any               structure               to               surpass               City               Hall               in               height               which               afforded               Philadelphia               the               "Pygmy               look".

The               architect               spent               nine               grueling               months               laboring               over               the               building's               facade,               sides,               roof,               andthe               plain               details               that               culminated               into               the               monstrosity               called               "High               Soar               Towers".

The               building               included               the               infamous               double-hung               windows               that               required               Superman               to               open               but               if               a               pigeon               landed               on               the               sill               they'd               slam               shut               with               such               force               the               cat               would               land               on               top               of               the               refrigerator.

The               architectural               industry               made               reference               to               the               building               when               illustrating               how               things               should               not               be               constructed.

It               was               mockingly               referred               to               as               "This               Old               Apartment               Building"               after               the               popular               television               series.

The               place               was               doomed               from               the               starting               gate               and               now               it               was               barely               limping               along.
               A               Novel               Idea               to               Sit               On
               There               was               one               innovative               idea               the               designer               came               up               with,               though.

Everyone               applauded               the               architects'               novel               idea               of               placing               an               actual               roadside               billboard               way               up               on               the               roof,               ten               stories               high.

This               could               be               rented               out               to               local               businesses               for               a               fee.

The               accountant               pounced               on               the               concept               of               reducing               the               costly               overhead               by               advertising               overhead.

Unfortunately,               little               thought               was               given               as               to               what               could               be               advertised               so               nobody               thought               anything               was               askew               when               Virgil               walked               in               with               a               toilet               seat               tucked               under               his               arm.

Virgil's               Tip-Top               Toilets               rented               the               sign               to               promote               his               award-winning,               cutting               edge               toilet               seat.

Touted               as               "safer               than               a               Congressional               seat",               the               thing               was               available               in               a               rainbow               of               colors               and               offered               different               ranges               of               contoured               comfort               ergonomically               designed               for               both               the               "petite"               and               the               "eighteen-wheeler               frame".

No               one               had               ever               seen               or               sat               on               one               before.
               After               the               historic               unveiling,               Virgil               personally               threw               the               switch               and               splashed               the               bright               floodlights               onto               his               avant               garde               sculpture.

The               event               was               timed               to               coincide               with               the               sunset               over               the               Spectrum               and               the               evening               news.

Glued               to               their               tv's,               millions               watched;               some               in               awe,               some               in               horror.
               The               sign               became               an               instant               success               and               a               Philadelphia               landmark.

Before               long               people               were               hanging               a               right               or               left               at               the               giant               toilet               seat               as               others               glanced               at               their               odometer               to               calculate               distance               to               and               from               the               seat.

It               was               a               visual               success               and               the               last               thing               seen               on               televisions               when               channel               3               signed               off               at               3am               to               the               national               anthem.

Rather               than               painting               a               picture               of               the               next               generation               toilet               seat               up               there,               Virgil               went               all               out               and               constructed               a               thirty               foot               diameter,               real-to-life,               bright               white               painted               toilet               seat               made               from               wood,               metal,               plastic,               Elmer's               Glue               and               eleven               rolls               of               duct               tape               and               anything               else               he               could               get               his               hands               on.

For               safety's               sake,               the               flagship               up               on               the               roof,               employed               luminescent               paint               which               allowed               the               seat               to               glow               in               the               dark               should               the               power               go               out.

This               was               done               on               behalf               of               low               flying               aircraft               but               the               conumer's               model               boasted               the               same               feature               should               the               night               light               go               on               the               fritz               when               the               bladder               was               full.
               Sadly,               the               accolades               it               stirred               up               were               not               worth               it.
               Complete               with               a               "clam               style               hinged               back"               he               had               the               unwieldy               toilet               seat               mounted               onto               the               very               top               of               the               sign               at               a               peculiar               angle               that               caught               the               eye.
               Unfortunately,               the               smooth               aerodynamic               contours               caught               more               than               the               eye.

When               Hurricane               Bob               ripped               through               with               ninety               mile               an               hour               winds               it               launched               the               gargantuan               toilet               seat,               back               and               all,               frisbee               style,               across               town               over               horrified               faces,               certain               the               Martian               invasion               was               underway.

Some               even               reported               a               low               "whirring"               sound               as               the               mothership               hovered               overhead.

There               was               even               a               report               of               an               alien               abduction               but               the               investigation               was               dropped               after               animal               control               officers               located               Barkley               beside               a               dumpster               behind               Dunkin               Donuts               and               returned               the               mutt               to               his               owner.
               The               storm               carried               the               glowing               seat               eerily               through               dark               clouds               as               it               flew               down               Market               Street               and               crossed               the               Delaware               River.

With               a               miraculous               precision               rarely               seen               in               events               such               as               this,               an               updraft               gently               set               the               craft               down               on               top               of               Camden's               City               Hall               where               it               looked               like               it               belonged               in               the               first               place.

The               Philadelphia               Bulletin               applauded               this               event               as               "Philadelphia's               Present               to               Camden,               NJ".
               New               Jersey               authorities               failed               to               see               the               humor               in               the               headlines               and               convened               the               following               day.

The               Army               Corp               of               Engineers               determined               a               squadron               of               helicopters               was               necessary               to               remove               the               maverick               toilet               seat               and               transport               it               to               the               train               yard               where               it               would               ride               the               rails               to               Roswell,               New               Mexico               where               it               would               be               stored               in               a               top-secret               hanger.

Virgil               faced               financial               ruin               when               the               train               engineer               took               the               wrong               fork               and               delivered               his               toilet               seat               to               Roswell,               Georgia               by               mistake.

Virgil's               toilet               seat               business               was               "wiped               out",               as               they               say,               but               fortunately               this               introduced               him               to               a               lucrative               career               in               UFO               exploration               where               he'd               devote               himself               to               uncovering               whatever               mischief               the               government               was               up               to               and               what               they               were               hiding               inside               hanger               51.

People               have               a               right               to               know               these               things.
               Once               the               Defense               Department               got               wind               of               Virgil's               invention               it               began               a               secret               investigation               of               its               own               and               explored               the               feasibility               of               developing               the               Stealth               Toilet               Seat               as               a               viable               weapon               in               future               conflicts.

It               was               hoped               the               graceful               lines               of               the               craft               would               make               it               undetectable               to               radar.

When               flown               upside               down               the               seat               would               drop               to               conveniently               dispense               the               latest               bombs               technology               had               come               up               with.

To               cut               corners,               propoganda               notes               would               be               printed               on               toilet               paper               (two-ply)               and               dropped               to               the               necessary               targets               below.

The               secret               plan               hailed               "Clean               Flush"               had               the               Pentagon               buzzing               but               it               gave               up               this               pursuit,               however,               after               the               Minister               of               Defense,               Tonya               Lasagna,               a               proponent               of               Feng               Shui,               closed               the               Toilet               Seat               Project               and               insisted               it               remain               in               this               position               to               benefit               the               national               budget.
               The               Air               Force               retired               Project               Bluebook               in               favor               of               Project               Comic               Book               to               handle               encounters               of               any               kind.

The               publicity               was               handled               so               well               the               public               never               found               out               about               Clean               Flush.

In               fact,               some               people               began               believing               flying               saucers               were               real               but               the               Air               Force               didn't               exist.
               The               initial               investigation               revealed               shoddy               workmanship               and               put               the               blame               squarely               on               the               integrity               of               the               nails               used               to               secure               the               toilet               seat               to               its               mooring               on               the               roof.

"Faulty               mounting"               put               an               end               to               overhead               advertising               at               High               Soar               Towers.

Soon               after,               clotheslines,               pigeons               and               television               antennas               sprouted               atop               the               ten               story               structure               and               little               else.
               The               Dive               Just               Ain't               Worth               the               Pearl
               The               dilapidated               building               effectively               hid               the               chaos               within               the               walls.

Hundreds               of               miles               of               wires,               pipes,               and               things               that               made               noises               at               night               were               crammed               into               the               walls,               ceilings               and               floors               creating               a               fire               hazard               that               would               make               the               California               hills               envious.

Even               the               rats               were               scared               to               go               in               there.

An               "accident               waiting               to               happen",               the               fire               marshal               got               writer's               cramp               when               inspection               time               came               around               and               he'd               earn               his               oats               at               the               High               Soar.

As               access               panels               were               removed,               workman               smacked               their               flashlights               to               make               them               flicker               to               life               and               reveal               the               unimaginable               clutter               jammed               between               the               walls.

With               morbid               curiosity,               electricians               poked               around               and               soon               found               themselves               overcome               with               the               same               awe               archeologists               experienced               when               they               uncovered               King               Rootn'               Tootn's               grave               in               Egypt.

With               the               blueprint               gone,               the               workmen               came               to               the               sober               realization               that               they               just               remembered               they               left               the               light               on               under               the               coffee               and               must               go               home               right               away.

Some               things               are               beyond               repair               and               this               building               was               one               of               them.
               A               Catacomb               of               Mazes
               Stanley               spent               the               better               part               of               his               life               working               out               of               the               boiler               room               where               he               had               a               nice,               surprisingly               warm               office               equipped               with               an               old               oak               desk,               a               sink,               a               small               refrigerator               and               an               old               discoloredcoffee               urn               that               worked.

The               walls               were               lined               with               doors               that               opened               into               hallways               with               yet               more               doors               and               rooms.

This               created               an               interesting               and               intricate               catacomb               of               a               monstrous               size               surpassed               only               by               the               sewers               of               Paris.

It               was               believed               Bucky               lived               back               in               there               somewhere               but               nobody               knew               for               sure.

Every               so               often               Stanley               swore               he               heard               the               unmistakable               "clank"               of               Bucky's               lighter               off               in               the               distance               or               smell               cigarette               smoke               but               he               just               wasn't               sure.
               The               various               rooms               were               filled               with               interesting               collections               of               furniture,               lamps,               appliances,               nick-nacks,               you               name               it.

There               were               even               car               parts               and               boat               and               train               parts               that               had               somehow               found               their               way               into               the               cavernous               cellar.

This               junk               must               have               been               important               to               someone               at               some               time               but               now               these               silent               rooms               resembled               a               grave               yard               or               what               the               muddy               wastelands               of               the               ocean               floor               off               Atlantic               City               must               look               like.

There               were               even               bald               tires               and               shopping               carts               down               there.

Most               of               the               rooms               were               dark,               spooky,               alien               chambers               with               high               ceilings               that               caused               echoes.

Some               spaces               were               large               enough               to               drive               the               59               trackless               trolly               through.

Originally,               Louis               and               Clark               mapped               the               place               out               but               no               one               in               their               right               mind               had               ventured               into               some               of               these               rooms               since.

One               room               even               had               spare               parts               from               steam               engines               and               possibly               a               horse-drawn               buggy.

One               corner               held               the               paddle               wheel               from               the               Madam               of               New               Orleans               who               ran               aground               on               a               sandbar               back               in               1869.

If               only               these               walls               could               talk.
               The               tool               room               was               the               only               room               Stanley               visited               with               any               regularity.

This               was               where               Stanley               had               his               workbench               and               kept               his               tools               neatly               arranged               on               the               pegboard               wall.

This               was               also               where               Stanley               smashed               his               thumb               on               occasion               and               filled               the               air               with               a               one-syllable               word               which               echoed               throughout               the               cellar.

More               importantly,               the               tool               room               was               where               Stanley               kept               "Mighty               Max."
               The               Heart               of               the               Beast
               The               basement               boasted               a               dramatically               high               thirty               foot               ceiling               to               accommodate               the               three               monstrous               boilers               that               loomed               through               the               dim               light               like               some               mighty               secret               weapon               that               may               have               altered               the               course               of               the               Civil               War               had               it               fallen               into               different               hands.

These               rust               colored               iron               boilers               had               double               and               triple               rows               of               rivets               along               the               seams               that               bore               a               familiar               resemblance               to               the               remains               of               the               Titanic.Half               the               gages               didn't               work               or               were               missing               altogether               but               Stanley               knew               which               spigots               to               turn,               which               cranks               to               crank,               which               levers               to               yank,               and               where               the               beast               needed               a               good               swift               kick               whenever               the               boilers               hissed               and               shot               blistering               hot               steam               into               the               air.

The               view               resembled               what               probably               went               on               insidetheBismarck               just               before               she               sank.
               The               spinning               propeller,               suspended               from               the               motor               which               hung               from               the               ceiling,               spun               horizontally               and               dominated               the               stage.

Hanging               directly               above               the               boilers,               it               kept               them               from               overheating.

Set               to               "low,"               the               monstrous               three-bladed               prop               was               a               dark               blur               and               sounded               like               a               plane               about               to               take               off               (and               for               good               reason).

The               blade               was               powered               by               a               motor               that               had               once               been               the               powerhouse               on               Conrail's               Engine               2569,               a               switcher               from               Philadelphia's               30th               Street               Station.

Switchers               were               small               locomotives               used               in               train               yards               to               shuffle               box               cars               from               trains               to               sidings               and               then               to               other               trains.

No               one               knew               exactly               how               much               horse-power               was               involved               here,               but               just               to               play               it               safe,               nobody               daredto               increase               the               speed               on               this               elaborate               contraption.

No               telling               what               could               happen.

Stanley               was               grateful               for               the               six               foot               cyclone               fence               surrounding               the               deal.
               In               1942,               the               blade               propelled               Germany's               Messerschmitt               Me               609               as               it               unleashed               havoc               and               devastation               during               its               short               service               in               World               War               II.

To               the               tune               of               Yankee               Doodle,               young               pilots               proudly               belted               out               "Schnitzel               Struedel"               (Victory               To               Herr               Fatherland)               as               they               emptied               their               payload               from               twenty               thousand               feet.
               After               the               war,               this               Berlin-made               airplane               propeller               was               proudly               displayed               on               a               wall               in               south               Philly               as               a               souvenir               someone               snuck               home               after               the               war               but               the               high-grade               aluminum               prop               was               recommissioned               and               called               back               into               action               during               the               summer               of               1968               when               temperatures               soared               to               an               intolerable               one               hundred               and               ten               sweltering               degrees               down               there               in               the               High               Soar               boiler               room.

The               "summer-winter               hookup"               meant               the               boilers               would               run               all               year               long               which               was               okay               in               the               winter               but               by               August               the               heat               and               humidity               could               steam               clams.

An               enterprising               plumber,               and               veteran               from               the               great               conflict,               "John"               had               cleverly               mounted               this               "blade               of               death"               onto               a               diesel               train               engine               and               made               the               cover               of               Popular               Heating               &               Plumbing               shortly               after               the               ribbon               cutting               ceremony               in               that               dank,               dark               boiler               room               beneath               High               Soar               Towers.
               The               Bowels               of               the               Beast
               The               ulility               room,               in               the               back               somewhere,               contained               the               controls               for               both               the               water               main               and               the               electrical               equipment               which               is               like               storing               dynamite               and               matches               in               the               same               room.

Conveniently               nestled               together,               this               precarious               combination               waited               patiently               to               meet               and               dance.

The               overcrowded               room               had               the               unmistakable               stench               of               grease,               electricity,               water,               and               danger               and               could               have               passed               for               the               control               room               on               a               submarine.
               Seven               hundred               thousand               gallons               of               fluids               and               solids               and               God               knows               what               else               flowed               in               and               out               of               the               control               room               twenty-four               hours               a               day.

Loud               belching,               zoo-like               noises               pierced               the               air               at               unexpected               intervals               causing               innocent               bystanders               to               jump               back               and               catch               their               breath.

Gurgling,               wretching,               farting,               hissing               noises               played               horrific               tunes               as               the               main               drain               inside               the               utility               room               swallowed,               chewed               up,               and               digested               whatever               came               its               way.

Stanley               hated               to               go               in               there               and,               besides,               entry               into               this               room               was               nearly               impossible.
               Blocked               off               by               a               pile               of               broken               radiators,               leaky               toilets,               scraps               of               unknown,               unidentifiable,               mysterious               and               menacingly               sharp,               jagged               things,               the               room               was               avoided               at               all               cost.

The               oil-soaked               floor               attracted               dust,               dirt               and               debris               from               all               over               the               world.

Coined               "the               Bermuda               Triangle               of               the               basement",               things               both               vanished               and               mysteriously               appeared               out               of               nowhere               in               the               muggy,               hot,               stuffy               claustrophobic               atmosphere               that               surrounded               the               pile               of               junk.

People               felt               uncomfortable               in               this               vicinity               and               reported               a               feeling               of               "being               watched"               as               if               a               ghost               was               connected               to               the               eclectic               collection               of               garbage.

Most               of               the               things               in               the               pile               were               unidentifiable               due               to               the               coating               of               a               solid               black               shell               that               may               have               been               some               kind               of               oil               or               lubricant               at               one               time.
               Every               ten               years               or               so               someone               would               get               industrious               and               spearhead               a               detail               to               carry               the               junk               out               to               the               dumpster               but               once               the               hand               truck               and               staircase               got               involved,               the               journey               was               just               too               overwhelming.

The               dumpster               may               as               well               have               been               in               Valley,               Alabama.

It               was               easier               to               wait               until               Stan               was               out               buying               another               toilet               plunger               and               then               sneak               downstairs               to               drop               off               that               old               three-legged               chair,               the               busted               fan,               the               baby               crib               with               slats               missing,               the               leaky               cooler,               the               ripped               lampshade,               the               dead               televison               ...consequently,               the               junk               stacked               up.

Up               and               out.

Bigger               and               bigger,               it               grew               and               grew.

Sometimes               slow,               sometimes               fast,               but               it               always               grew.
               To               Stan               it               was               clear               some               form               of               "supernatural               magnetic               power"               was               going               on               here               and               it               would               only               be               a               matter               of               time               before               every               loose               part               on               the               planet               would               wind               up               on               the               heap.

Like               the               blob               from               outer               space,               the               pile               of               rusty               metal,               wood,               cardboard               and               conduit               became               animated               and               took               on               a               menacing               life               of               its               own               which               was               guided               by               an               insatiable               appetite               for               more.

It               had               an               agenda               and               you               never               wanted               to               turn               your               back               to               it.Twisted               wires               and               bent               pipes               reached               out               like               suction-cupped               tentacles               from               a               giant               octopus               hoping               to               strangle               and               drag               its               prey               into               its               mouth               and               belly               where               it               would               be               consumed;               dinner               today,               a               mere               cloud               of               noxious               gas               tomorrow.

Stan               avoided               this               area               too               and               warned               others               to               keep               away.
               Dirty               Ernie's
               Years               ago,               when               the               greasy               spoon               next               door               went               up               like               a               tinder               box,               the               firemen               had               to               get               into               the               tight               utility               room               behind               the               junk               pile               to               throw               switches,               flip               circuit               breakers,               open               and               close               valves,               turn               spigots,               and               do               what               firemen               do.

The               courageous               men               fought               like               Spartans               but               lost               to               the               junk               pile               in               a               long               battle               which               precluded               any               hope               in               saving               the               little               eatery               next               door.

Dirty               Ernie's               famous               "blue               plate               special"               was               no               more.
               The               main               drain               in               the               utility               room               serviced               the               entire               block               and               thanks               to               Ernie,               it               was               severly               obstructed               and               required               major               surgery               so               the               waste               could               flow               down               into               the               sewer               again.

Over               the               years,               along               with               High               Soar's               sewage,               a               million               gallons               of               Dirty               Ernie's               French               fry               grease               washed               down               this               drain               and,               like               Ernie's               customers,               the               pipes               and               arteries               were               clogged               so               trouble               came               a               knockn'.

It               was               a               "bad               day               at               Black               Rock".

The               newspapers               suspected               the               liklihood               of               another               Bubonic               Plague               once               things               got               moved               around               and               stirred               up               down               there.
               The               bare               20               watt               light               bulb               way               up               at               the               ceiling               over               the               blob               was               useless.

It               had               the               same               hopeless               effect               a               picture               of               a               weiner               has               on               a               woman.

It               seemed               to               get               darker               when               you               flipped               the               light               on.

If               the               firemen               had               to               wage               war               on               the               junk               pile               today               they'd               need               a               backhoe,               a               bull               whip,               and               a               tetanus               shot               just               to               get               to               the               light               switch.
               The               firemen               did               everything               they               could               but               Dirty               Ernie's               slipped               into               the               annals               of               time               and               faded               before               everyone's               eyes.

Fortunately               there               were               no               injuries,               but               Dirty               Ernie's               at               15th               and               Arch               was               washed               upso               now               people               had               to               contend               with               the               bizarre               vending               machines               at               the               Horn               and               Hardart               automat.

Perhaps               the               strangest               restaurant               in               the               New               World,               this               cafeteria-hybrid               featured               the               first               half-human-half-machine               androids.

Customers               would               line               up               along               abank               of               vending               machines               and               dig               into               their               pockets               for               change               as               employees               on               the               other               side               fed               freshly               made               sandwiches               into               the               same               vending               machines               but               from               the               other               side.

Inevitably,               the               vending               machines               screwed               up               and               more               than               one               customer               dropped               their               change               and               clutched               their               chest               when               a               hand               came               out               of               the               machine               holding               a               tuna               on               rye.

Yep,               Dirty               Ernie's               was               sorely               missed.
               Back               to               Reality
               Stanley               jumped               when               the               phone               shattered               the               silence.

It               was               Monday               morning               and               the               phone               went               off               just               like               clockwork.

Every               Monday,               Stan               went               through               the               same               routine               and               was               well               practiced               in               this               event.

He               had               it               down               pat.

In               fact,               no               Monday               would               be               complete               without               this               annoyance.

He               took               a               deep               breath               and               picked               up               the               phone.
               The               monotony               was               suffocating.

Stan               knew               who               was               calling               and               the               bubble-head               on               the               other               end               knew               who               would               answer.

Still,               they               both               went               through               this               dance               over               and               over,               year               after               year,               every               Monday               around               nine               as               if               it               were               the               first               time.

Like               convicts               on               a               road               crew               shackled               together,               they               each               played               their               part               out               of               necessity               and               strained               toleration.

To               an               onlooker               they               appeared               respectful               of               each               other               which               hid               the               contempt               Stan               had               for               Oscar.
               Oscar,               the               tenant               in               apartment               101,               had               clogged               his               toilet               for               the               four               thousandth               time.

Embarrassed,               he'd               act               surprised               and               pretend               this               was               an               isolated               incident               which               never               failed               to               piss               off               Stanley.

Stanley               would               clench               his               teeth               but               calmly               respond               with               the               casual               "Yeah,               Oscar.

I'll               be               up               in               fifteen               minutes.

How               serious               is               the               clog?"               A               carefully               timed               pause               proceeded               the               critical               moment               when               Stan               would               ask               "Do               I               need               Mighty               Max?"               The               hunter               sensed               the               prey.
               The               severity               of               the               clog               determined               if               Mighty               Max               should               get               involved               or               not.

At               some               point               in               the               conversation               either               Oscar               would               suggest               Stan               enlists               Mighty               Max's               help               or               Stan               would               ask               if               heavy               artillery               would               be               necessary.

Every               so               often,               however,               Max's               involvement               would               not               seem               necessary               until               the               fatal               moment               when               Stan               would               raise               the               lid               of               the               toilet               and               behold               the               mighty               Mississippi               at               flood               stage.

Oscar               would               innocently               blink               his               eyes               like               Laurel               which               would               trigger               a               reflex               in               Stan               who'd               smack               his               own               forehead               like               Hardy               and               exclaim               "This               is               a               fine               time               to               tell               me               we               need               Mighty               Max".

Of               course               this               meant               a               trek               back               down               to               the               tool               room               in               the               basement               where               Stan               would               sling               the               wide               nylon               strap               over               his               shoulder               and               lug               the               "hundred               pound               ballistic               percussion               drain               clearing               gun"               known               affectionately               as               "Mighty               Max"               back               up               into               the               combat               zone.
               Stanley               hated               when               little               projects               turned               into               big               projects,               especially               because               of               Oscar.

The               same               pattern               repeated               every               Monday               as               everyone               played               their               part;               Oscar               was               embarrassed,               Stanley               was               enraged,               and               the               clogged               toilet               didn't               care               one               way               or               the               other.This               time,               however,               Oscar               did               remember               the               crucial               question,               factored               in               last               night's               refried               beans               into               the               equation               and               suggested               reinforcements.

Stanley               knew               what               he               had               to               do.

The               prey               was               in               his               sights.
               Stanley               made               Oscar               wait               the               customary               fifteen               minutes               for               no               particular               reason               before               making               his               entrance               with               Mighty               Max.

With               the               three               foot               drain-clearing               steel               and               rubber               marvel               slumped               over               a               shoulder,               he               stuffed               a               handful               of               charges               resembling               .38               caliber               bullets               into               his               hip               pocket               and               trudged               off               toward               the               staircase.

He               was               on               a               mission.

He               was               hunting               big               game.
               Fifteen               minutes               was               as               much               time               Stan               dared               to               enjoy               Oscar's               inconvenience.There               was               a               "window               of               time"               he               couldn't               ignore.

If               Oscar's               toilet               was               clogged               too               long               the               second,               third               and               fourth               floor,               etc.

would               join               the               parade               and               soon               every               toilet               in               the               house               would               choke               to               a               gurgling               halt               and               before               you               knew               it               every               toilet               up               to               the               tenth               floor               would               be               constipated.

This               never               happened               yet               although               it               nearly               did               once               and               that               was               when               Mighty               Max               joined               the               team               and               came               to               the               rescue               without               a               moment               to               spare.

Once               everything               backed               up,               the               "spiraling               clog"               could               go               viral               and               Stanley               wanted               no               part               of               this.
               The               Jet               Propulsion               Lavoratory
               The               "Spiraling               Clog               Viral               Theory"               was               discovered               by               accident               at               the               Jet               Propulsion               Lavoratory               at               Pasadena,               California,               when               a               rocket               scientist               stepped               out               to               fetch               his               lunch               and               left               the               door               open               between               the               high-velocity               wind               tunneland               the               cyclonic               whirlpool               water               tank.

Talk               about               a               bad               hair               day,               production               was               halted               at               nearby               Universal               Studios,               Walt               Disney               Studios,               Warner               Brothers,and               Paramountwhen               a               triple-funnel               cloud               touched               down               and               treated               Hollywood               to               an               authentic               reality               show               featuring               real               people,               real               events,               and               real               man-made               tornados.

With               typhoon-like               gales,190               percent               humidity,               and               lightening               bolts               powerful               enough               to               light               San               Jose               when               all               the               computers               are               running,               the               storm               unleashed               a               mayhem               far               worse               than               anything               the               San               Andreas               fault               could               ever               hope               for.

Credit               for               this               great               new               invention               was               awarded,               however,               to               a               gifted               physics               student               who               returned               to               work               after               recovering               from               a               major               gastro-intestinal               virus               following               a               three               day               sushi               binge               at               Susie's               Sushi.

A               week               after               having               what               can               only               be               described               as               "an               intimate               relationship               with               his               toilet,"               Sven               Peterson               made               public               the               principals               governing               his               spiraling               clog               viral               theory               and               the               ramifications               this               dreaded               affliction               poses               on               both               mankind               and               plumbingkind.

His               supposition               at               the               annual               Suction               Convention               in               nearby               Rancho               Cucamonga               was               received               so               well               it               inspired               a               standing               ovation               at               its               conclusion.
               Sven's               theory               was               later               tested,               substantiated,               and               documented               with               experiments               on               the               space               shuttle               which               exploited               the               profound               and               weighty               burden               of               zero               gravity.

In               addition,               the               experiment               took               into               account               the               staggering               effects               of               centrifugal               force,               the               moon's               gravitational               influence,               the               Farmer's               Almanac,               and               the               current               laws               of               hydraulics               and               solid               waste               dynamics               at               ambient               temperatures               that               harbor               the               liklihood               of               the               much               feared               "reverse               tornado"               that               can               result               as               toilets               clog               in               sequence               in               a               vertical               manner.

On               paper,               some               of               these               reverse               tornados               measured               11               on               the               Richter               Scale.
               Mighty               Max               to               the               Rescue
               For               now,               things               fell               into               place               in               Oscar's               bathroom               as               usual.

Stanley               loaded               Mighty               Max,               set               him               up,               yelled               "fire               in               the               hole",               pulled               the               trigger               and               in               one               quick               ear-splitting               moment               everything               was               saved               from               ruin.

Andthere               was               hardly               any               "splash-back"               this               time.

Mighty               Max               came               through               again.

Oscar's               drain               was               cleared               and               would               remain               open               for               the               week.

Stan               even               received               the               customary               five               dollar               tip               in               the               discreet               "hand-off"               as               the               two               men               shook               hands               and               went               their               separate               ways.
               Oscar               was               a               retired               longshoreman               who               used               to               wrestle               refrigerators               onto               and               off               cargo               ships,               docks,               tugboats               and               barges               or               pretty               much               anywhere               you               could               find               gravity               and               steps.

Throughout               his               strenuous               career,               Oscar               had               lifted               everything               imaginable,               known               (and               unknown)               to               man.

He               used               to               wonder               what               was               inside               these               crates,               cartons,               boxes,               drums,               and               what               the               heck               was               steel-banded               to               the               wooden               skids               but               somewhere               along               the               line               he               lost               interest               in               the               nature               of               these               objects               and               focused               his               efforts               on               getting               the               dam               things               to               wherever               they               had               to               go               and               in               one               piece.
               He'd               never               forget               the               time               a               cable               snapped               and               an               eight               foot               long,               three               foot               wide,               four               foot               high               wooden               crate               from               China               marked               "fragile"               dropped               two               stories               and               busted               apart               in               the               concrete               parking               lot.

He               had               never               seen               so               many               chrome               ball               bearings               at               one               time.

The               dam               things               looked               alive               as               they               gathered               in               formation               and               rolled               as               one               shimmering               mass               along               the               walkway               and               onto               Delaware               Avenue               as               if               they               had               a               purpose               and               knew               where               they               were               going.

The               motorists               encountered               something               a               lot               worse               than               "Volkswagens               swallowing               potholes"               that               day.

What               a               mess.

It               looked               like               the               bumping               car               ride               on               Atlantic               City's               Steeple               Chase               Pier.

After               the               traffic               finally               came               to               a               standstill,               people               got               out               of               their               cars,               danced               around               like               their               clothes               were               on               fire               and               wound               up               doing               the               crab               walk               on               on               all               four.

The               cops               weren't               much               help               although               the               flares               they               provided               helped               guide               the               Coast               Guard               who               dropped               the               baskets               and               air-lifted               the               victims               to               solid               ground.

It               was               hours               before               peace               was               restored               and               the               miserable               bumper               to               bumper               traffic               could               resume.
               Officially               retired,               Oscar               was               still               an               imposing               six-foot-six               hulk               of               a               man               who               had               to               concentrate               on               using               less,               rather               than               more               strength               when               doing               things.

He               was               all               thumbs               and               had               the               grace               of               a               drunken               elephant               with               a               twisted               ankle.

These               days               his               big               thrill               in               life               centered               entirely               on               his               Sunday               night               gorge.

Not               seen               on               this               planet               since               the               week               before               Rome               fell,               Oscar's               private               feast               included               a               side               of               Black               Angus,               a               Virginia               ham,               an               entire               turkey,               six               pounds               of               angel               hair               pasta               (al               dente)               with               marinara               sauce,               dinner               rolls,               two               pounds               of               guacamole,               a               few               baked               potatoes               with               sour               cream               and               chives,               a               rasher               of               bacon,               and               one               Jewish               pickle               for               good               measure.

He'd               wash               all               this               down               with               a               six               pack               of               beer               before               moving               on               to               desert               tray.

Over               time,               all               this               food               had               more               impact               on               the               plumbingthan               on               Oscar               and               it               was               Stanley               Mallet               who               paid               the               toll.
               Mighty               Max               was               a               commercial               grade               "toilet               drain               clearing               gun"               invented               in               Russia               during               the               Cold               War.

It               was               discovered               by               accident               beneath               the               Kremlin               as               some               of               the               greatest               and               most               productive               evil               minds               collaborated               and               developed               the               "X99               Toilet               of               Death".

Designed               to               remove               unsuspecting               infidels               permanently,               the               KGB               was               pleased               with               the               weapon's               capabilities.

Enemies               of               the               state               were               washed               up               (down,               actually)               with               such               spectacular               force               their               head               would               spin               when               they'd               innocently               retire               to               the               bathroom               with               a               Popular               Tractor               magazine,               drop               their               drawers               and               plunk               themself               down               on               the               toiletski.

The               press               of               a               button               and               infidel               would               be               sucked               down               the               drain               never               to               be               seen               again.

Fortunately,               Boris's               X99               Toilet               of               Death               never               saw               the               light               of               day               but               an               enterprising               understudy,               Vladimir               Kaputski,               applied               the               same               attributes               to               indoor               plumbing               and               developed               what               became               the               drain               cannon               Stanley               and               Oscar               swore               by.

Indeed,               Vladimir's               off-shoot               from               the               exploding               toilet               won               him               unprecedented               world-wide               fame.

When               he               defected               to               the               United               States               in               1973               he               was               welcomed               with               open               arms               by               plumbing               unions               far               and               wide               who               glowingly               presented               Vladimir               with               the               coveted               "Golden               Toilet               Plunger               Award"               which               is               proudly               displayed               at               the               Toilet               Hall               of               Fame               in               Conshohocken.
               The               Cold               War               and               the               Cold               Toilet               Seat
               The               X99A-               Waste               Eradicating               Cyclonic               Main-Drain               Rehabilitating               Double-Action               Cannon,               (Mighty               Max               for               short),               accepted               a               "bullet-like               charge"               into               its               breach.

Similar               in               design               to               the               Browning               Automatic               Rifle               to               which               Bonnie               and               Clyde               owe               much               of               their               success,               Mighty               Max               also               employed               the               basic               physics               of               the               "power               hammer"               seen               at               construction               sites               and               used               by               men               wearing               eye               and               ear               protection.

It               looked               like               a               slim               version               of               the               common               jackhammer               used               in               tearing               up               streets               and               bore               an               uncanny               resemblance               to               a               three               foot               long               steel               hypodermic               needle.

A               rubber               suction               cup               was               attached               to               the               business               end               of               the               "needle"               which               was               fearlessly               thrust               into               the               toilet               and               into               whatever               muck               was               residing               there               at               the               time               of               the               clog.

With               the               great               forces               at               play               here,               once               the               trigger               was               squeezed               and               the               hammer               dropped               on               the               charge,               the               impact               of               this               tremendous               energy               would               be               registered               at               the               sewage               treatment               plant               thirty               miles               downstream               at               Doylestown.
               It               could               have               been               invented               by               NASA,               for               all               Stan               knew,               but               as               long               as               it               worked               on               clogged               toilets               Stan               didn't               care.

With               a               bang               and               a               clang               like               the               'hammers               of               hell',               Mighty               Max               would               clear               any               clogged               toilet               on               the               face               of               the               planet               with               the               squeeze               of               a               trigger.

This               was               always               followed               by               the               familiar,               comforting               "BERRUUUP-WHOOSH!"               as               the               toilet               would               belch               and               then               clear               its               throat.

The               bigger               the               clog               the               bigger               the               belch,               which               in               Oscar's               toilet,               fell               in               line               with               the               Paoli               Local               and               feeding               time               in               the               lion               den               at               the               zoo               over               on               Girard               Avenue.

The               soothing               whoosh               was               music               to               the               ear.

Max               always               won.
               And               now,               thanks               to               Mighty               Max,               those               embarrassing               gyrations               up               and               down               and               the               obscene               sucking               noise               the               manual               plunger               produced               were               no               longer               part               of               the               show.

These               performances               only               became               an               issue               when               smiling               women               watched               and               children               laughed               while               the               dogs               barked               but               now,               with               Mighty               Max,               women               and               children               fled               and               the               dogs               hid               under               the               bed.
               Mighty               Max               always               added               the               element               of               adventure               too.

It               was               a               real               nuisance               dragging               Max               out               and               setting               everything               up               but               once               his               finger               was               on               the               trigger               excitement               was               in               the               air.

With               an               explosive               charge               and               the               dreaded               catastrophic               threat               of               "less               than               pure               liquid               backwash,"               (hopefully               liquid),               care               and               caution               were               key               to               avoid               getting               soaked               from               head               to               foot.

The               instructions               suggested               appropriate               foul               weather               gear,               but               once               Stan               figured               out               how               to               load,               unload,               and               fire               the               instrument,               the               instructions               became               intolerably               boring.

Besides,               rain               slickers               are               for               wimps.

Stan               lived               on               the               edge.
               Friday's               Rush               Hour               Begins               Thursday               At               Noon
               Thursday               morning               when               Stan               drove               to               work               things               unraveled               and               went               downhill               quickly.

As               Stan               guided               his               car               onto               the               ramp,               he               was               already               worried               about               things               at               work.

His               gut               feeling               was               right               on               this               sunny               Thursday               in               May.

Overhead,               helicopters               buzzed               like               bees               and               urgent               impending               traffic               alerts               came               over               the               radio               warning               motorists               of               the               usual               delays               ahead.
               No               sooner               was               he               clipping               along               at               fifty               when               the               rush               hour               traffic               came               to               a               complete               stop               on               the               infamous               Schuylkill               Expressway.Stan               found               himself               frozen               like               a               fly               in               sap.

A               few               minutes               later               the               traffic               alert               warned               of               this               tie               up               which               was               like               a               tornado               siren               going               off               after               the               tornado               had               passed               which               only               aggravated               things.

Until               the               brain               issued               new               orders,               his               foot               would               remain               pressed               to               the               brake               pedal               even               though               it               had               other               ideas.

Inbound               traffic               took               the               brunt               of               the               morning               rush               as               everyone               raced               to               work               with               the               speed               of               a               tortise.

The               "rush,"               consisted               of               a               breath-taking               twenty-five               miles               an               hour               race               as               the               tortuous,               pot-hole               infested               road               followed               the               snaking               Schuylkill               River,               only               slower.

Stanley               glanced               at               the               poluted               sludge-like               river               as               it               consumed               shopping               carts,               tires,               washing               machines,               and               anything               else               in               its               path,               not               unlike               Hawaii's               Mauna               Loa               Lava               flow               that               goes               anywhere               it               wants               and               takes               its               time.

Then               he               looked               at               his               watch:               8am.
               At               the               same               time               (but               unknown               to               Stan)               back               at               the               High               Soar,               dripping,               stinking               sludge               began               falling               from               a               crack               in               the               ceiling               onto               the               propeller-fan               over               the               hot               boilers.

At               first               a               mere               spattering               dropped               and               the               fan               blade               promptly               sent               a               "crud               missil"               to               the               wall               faster               than               a               shot.

A               moment               later               a               full-fledged               "proper"               splattering               poured               down               onto               what               was               now               the               buzzing               nose               of               a               fighting               mad               Messershmitt               Me               609               from               the               World               War               II.

The               polished               aluminum               airplane               propeller               belonged               in               the               Smithsonian               Institute               but               thanks               to               an               innovative               plumber               named               "John",               it               found               its               way               into               the               basement               of               High               Soar               where               it               remained               somewhat               dormant               as               it               waited               for               the               next               war               to               erupt               and               "erupt"               it               did.
               The               sludge               poring               down               wasn't               really               sludge               but               raw               sewage               in               a               sludge               state               of               mind.

High               Soar               Towers               had               clogged               solid               through               the               night               causing               the               pressure               to               build               until               the               main               drain               split               open               directly               above               the               worst               place               in               the               world-               the               spinning               vintage               World               War               II               propeller               down               in               the               boiler               room.

When               John               combined               technology               from               the               German               war               machine               with               the               Philadelphia               diesel               train               engine,               he               unknowingly               tapped               into               a               pefect               harmonic               resonance               that               balanced               the               blade               with               the               precise               torque               and               created               what               Gerhard               and               Wolfgang,               back               at               the               factory,               only               dreamt               about.

The               speed               control               switch               never,               under               any               circumstances,               ventured               beyond               the               "low"               setting               for               fear               the               contraption               would               remove               heads.

This               fatal               day,               however,               the               spinning               pride               of               the               German               Luftwaffe               planned               on               returning               to               its               1942               glory               days.
               Someday               this               event               would               be               re-enacted               on               television               for               the               whole               world               to               see.

It               would               fit               perfectly               between               the               History               Channel's               "Can               We               Stop               Big               Foot               With               Athlete's               Foot?"               and               "UFO               Update:               Yes,               They               Were               Here               But               They               Took               One               Look               And               Decided               To               Go               Home".
               The               Beginning               of               The               End
               The               first               radio               news               bulletin               had               the               familiar               three               annoying               "gongs"               with               typewriters               click-clacking               in               the               back-ground               as               if               a               room               full               of               reporters               were               hard               at               work.

(Nowadays               this               wouldn't               fly.

Somehow               the               composed               sound               of               a               computer               keyboard               softly               clicking               away               just               doesn't               convey               the               necessary               level               of               peril               no               matter               how               feverishly               the               keys               are               struck.)               Then               came               the               announcement:               "This               just               in!"               as               if               Stan               had               been               desperately               holding               his               breath               and               waiting               for               this.
               Drivers               directed               their               attention               toward               their               radio               with               the               same               morbid               enthusiasm               the               Roman               Gladiator               Tournament               produced               as               the               spectators               crammed               down               hot               dogs               and               pounded               down               beers.

The               news               bulletin               yielded               further               information               about               the               car               accident               ahead               and               how               bad               it               was.

Cars               weren't               going               anywhere.

Only               the               helicopters               were               going               anywhere.
               Then               came               the               big               news.

Apparently               a               careless               resident               at               the               High               Soar               Towers               had               left               something               cooking               on               the               stove               all               night               which               over-heated               the               fetzer               valve               inside               the               appliance               causing               a               minor               explosion               that               set               the               drapes               on               fire               inside               the               apartment.

Fortunately,               the               heat               triggered               the               sprinkler               system               on               the               ceiling               which               subdued               the               fire               until               help               arrived               and               finished               the               job.

Everybody               thought               the               crises               was               over.

Boy               were               they               wrong.
               This               Just               In!
               According               to               the               second               bulletin               (8:30               Am),               there               was               great               concern               for               a               lady               held               captive               by               an               elevator               that               refused               to               stop               at               any               floor               and               release               her.

Witnesses               claimed               It               clanged               louder               than               usual               and               actually               "sounded               angry"               if               this               were               possible.

The               elevator               took               the               old               woman               on               a               ride               some               people               would               have               paid               money               for               at               the               Willow               Grove               Amusement               Park.

Rescue               workers               listened               as               her               desperate               shrieks               and               screams               echoed               up               and               down               the               elevator               shaft.

As               the               elevator               flew               past,               up               or               down,               the               poor               woman               shouted               "HELP!

WHAT               FLOOR               AM               I               ON?

HELP!"               as               if               the               floor               she               passed               by               made               any               difference.

The               mad               elevator               finally               let               the               dizzy               woman               out               on               the               ground               floor.

Rescue               workers               escorted               her               outside               High               Soar               Towers               where               she               joined               the               other               tenants               who               safely               escaped.
               Everyone               blinked               their               eyes               and               realized               their               day               of               fame               had               finally               arrived               but               nobody               cared.

Because               of               all               the               excitement               not               one               person               noticed               the               door               on               the               wild               elevator               slam               shut               as               it               took               off               to               catch               another               tenant,               anger               flying               off               its               cables.

This               was               easy               pickings'               day.
               The               elevator               news               seemed               anti-climactic               but               the               Channel               7               News               Team               from               City               Line               Avenue               had               their               hands               full               soon               enough.

The               fire               was               nearly               out               but               things               were               escalating               in               the               dungeon               of               the               old               building.

Nobody               knew               the               nature               of               the               problem               but               it               was               big.

It               smelled               pretty               bad               too.
               The               Ripple               Affect
               Shortly               after               nine,               a               wide-eyed               Luke               Anatello,               at               the               Water               Treatment               Plant,               dropped               his               coffee               and               tapped               the               gage               with               his               finger               after               noticing               the               sewage               intake               meter               registered               an               additional               four               full               increments               of               fluids               coming               into               the               plant               at               a               dizzying               200,000               gallons               a               minute.

This               meant               the               the               backup               reservoir               was               filling               and               would               overflow               soon.

This               was               worse               than               any               disaster               the               Philadelphia               Zoo               ever               whipped               up.

With               panic               setting               in,               Luke               lost               control               and               feverishly               began               jiggling               every               handle               he               could               lay               his               hands               on.
               Unknown               to               Stan,               still               stuck               intraffic,               the               floodgates               of               hell               opened               and               gallons               of               human               waste               fell               directly               on               the               Messerschmitt               Me               609               propeller               which               never               flinched.

The               precision               prop               kind               of               leaned               into               it               and               valiantly               displayed               a               show               of               force               that               matched               the               Pinatubo               Volcano               eruption               that               spewed               thousands               of               tons               of               water               vapor,               carbon               dioxide,               sulfur               dioxide,               hydrogen               sulfide,               hydrogen               chloride,               hydrogen               fluoride,               carbon               monoxide,               halocarbons               and               anything               else               it               could               get               its               hands               on.

This               deal               was               worse.

Fresh,               steamy,               raw,               lumpy               sewage,               centrifugal               force,               simple               aerodynamics,               and               Newton's               Law               of               Gravity               combined               to               unleash               this               torrential               downpour               onto               the               World               War               II               aircraft               propeller               that               served               as               the               turbine               and               redirected               the               sludge               onto               the               red               glowing               boilers               with               such               efficiency               Gerhard               and               Wolfgang               must               have               sat               up               in               their               graves               and               saluted.

Steam               filled               the               cavernous               boiler               room.

It               was               difficult               to               tell               if               a               new               star               was               forming               or               if               a               black               hole               was               consuming               one.
               While               all               this               was               going               on               inside,               traffic               was               gridlocked               on               the               streets               surrounding               the               High               Soar.

The               police               closed               off               the               street               in               front               of               the               building               and               blocked               the               corners               incase               any               drivers               conveniently               "didn't               noticed"               the               thirty-nine               foot               hook               and               ladder,               the               ambulance,               the               three               other               fire               trucks               or               the               sea               of               squad               cars               and               the               television               news               crew               that               were               scattered               up               and               down               the               block               and               thought               they               might               drive               through.

The               Fairmount               Mounted               Police               positioned               their               horses               at               either               end               of               the               block               ready               to               pounce               on               any               motorist               who               smelled               even               the               ghost               of               a               chance               to               sneak               through               the               mess               to               get               a               better               look.
               Over               five               hundred               feet               of               white               fire               hose               zigzagged               in               what               had               to               be               the               world's               leakiest               water               hose               contest               that               had               all               the               makings               of               a               six-way               tie.

The               thick               hoses               slid               around               on               their               own               as               if               they               were               alive.

They               resembled               mature               Venezuelan               Anacondas               that               had               come               out               of               the               ground               and               gone               off               searching               for               a               mate.

The               fire               was               finally               extinguished               and               the               firemen               began               winding               their               fire               hoses               back               into               the               trucks.
               Life               Really               Sucks               Sometimes
               Just               then               that               the               waste               pipe               above               the               boiler               room               completely               let               loose.

The               explosion               sent               a               piece               of               debris               onto               the               controls               setting               the               rotating               prop               to               "high".

The               excessive               speed               caused               the               vintage               World               War               II               Messerschmitt               propeller               to               whine.

It               pushed               the               envelope.

It               spun               so               fast               it               created               a               vacuum               which               sucked               the               waste               from               the               ceiling               with               enormous               strength.The               process               employed               the               same               dynamics               behind               the               jet               engine               and               it               accelerated               all               on               its               own.

Anyone               who               happened               to               be               on               the               toilet               upstairs               wasn't               going               anywhere               soon.

They               were               glued               to               their               toilets               as               air               whistled               between               their               legs               and               into               their               toilet               creating               what               can               only               be               described               as               the               Symphony               form               Hell               complete               with               devil               trombones               and               demented               didgeridoos.

Thanks               to               the               "lock-jaw               reflex",               these               poor               souls               were               prevented               from               opening               their               mouth               and               becoming               a               reverse               human               kazoo.
               The               gas               and               water               departments               had               been               notified               and               came               running               just               as               the               third               radio               bulletin               found               its               way               to               the               hearts               and               minds               of               the               trapped               motorists               who               rubbed               their               eyes               in               disbelief               as               they               looked               ahead               at               the               "parade               to               work"               and               actually               saw               some               movement.

Traffic               was               moving               at               funeral               procession               speed               up               there.

Hallelujah!
               As               the               final               bulletin               came               over               the               radio,               Stanley               removed               his               foot               from               the               brake               pedal               and               allowed               the               car               to               inch               forward               another               generous               yard               or               so.

Running               late,               at               first               he               thought               he'd               be               stuck               in               traffic               for               at               least               another               hour,               but               now               the               clogged               expressway               seemed               to               be               opening               up               and               traffic               began               to               flow.

Other               things               were               flowing               too.
               The               news               team               mentioned               a               resident               named               "Oscar"               forgot               to               turn               off               the               stove               the               previous               night.

Apparently               he               was               cooking               enough               pasta               for               a               block               party               when               he               dozed               off.

That               knucklehead,               thought               Stanley,               oblivious               to               the               nightmare               unfolding               beneath               the               building.
               It               was               a               good               thing               for               Stanley               (and               the               entire               population               of               High               Soar               Tower)               that               the               toilet               had               overflowed               during               the               wee               hours.

A               sea               of               excrement               crept               across               his               living               room               floor,               through               the               kitchen,               and               into               his               bedroom,               where               the               bubbling-gurgling               noise               woke               him               from               his               re-occurring               dream               about               hauling               grand               pianos               up               never               a               ending               staircase.
               Apparently,               the               gastro-intestinal               mudslide               gurgled               and               alerted               Oscar               who               stepped               out               of               his               bed               into               a               foot               of               warm               sewage               and               immediately               proceeded               to               trip               the               fire               alarm               outside               his               door               enabling               residents               to               wake               up               and               flee.

Once               in               the               hallway,               Oscar               felt               threatened               by               the               impending               flood               from               the               spouting               toilet               in               his               bathroom               and               the               fire.

The               evacuation               followed               shortly               after               the               sirens               wailed               throughout               the               building.

The               brave               firemen               had               to               pry               some               people               from               their               toilets               but               in               the               end               everyone               escaped               with               little               harm.

The               tenants               who               had               to               be               pried               off               their               toilets               sported               a               permanent               red               ring               which               became               a               "rarely               seen               unique               battle               scar,"               only               showed               to               close               friends               and               relatives,               or               seen               on               late               night               TV.
               Under               these               emergency               conditions,               Oscar               felt               he               should               drop               any               misgivings               he               may               have               had               for               Stanley               and               convey               a               short               message               to               him               via               the               television               news               team,               who               had               compassionately               asked               Oscar,               in               front               of               forty-three               million               people,               if               there               were               any               important               words               that               he               thought               might               assist               the               public               or               anyone               listening.

Oscar               seized               the               moment               as               Stanley,               still               stuck               in               traffic,               immediately               recognized               the               familiar               nasal               voice               and               put               a               face               to               it;               a               big               dumb               face.

Stan               was               certain               he               was               palpitating.
               Stanley               listened               carefully.

A               sense               of               unease               coursed               through               his               bowels               as               Oscar               relayed               a               message               from               his               heart               to               all               the               ships               at               sea               "and               to               Stanley               Mallet'.

(Gulp!)               Oscar               looked               directly               in               the               camera               and               nearly               crushed               the               microphone               in               his               huge               hand.

He               spoke               into               the               microphone               and               Stan               nearly               had               the               "big               one"               when               he               heard               his               name               come               through               the               speaker.

Later,               he'd               watch               the               events               on               the               six               o'clock               news               but               for               now               the               radio               in               the               dash               board               was               more               than               enough.
               "Stan               --               I               hope               you               hear               can               this",               the               awkward,               nasal               voice               rang               out               to               Philadelphia               and               New               Jersey.

"If               you               can,               pick               up               some               heavy               duty               power               loads               for               Mighty               Max               on               your               way               in.

We're               having               some               problems               here               and               we               need               your               help.

The               whole               building               has               a               major               clog               here               and               I               know               how               upset               you               get               when               you               bring               Mighty               Max               to               unclog               my               toilet.

I               hope               everyone               who               can               hear               this,               everyone               within               the               sound               of               my               voice               knows               Stanley               Mallet               can               unclog               a               toilet               better               than               anyone.

Stanley               Mallet               has               been               unclogging               my               toilet               for               many               years               and               has               a               spotless               record."               A               small               look               of               question               crossed               the               newscaster's               face               at               the               words               "Mighty               Max"               and               he               wondered               for               a               second               if               it               had               been               a               good               idea               to               hand               the               mic               over               to               "John               Q.

Public".
               Stanley               felt               helpless               "helpless               and               embarrassed               beyond               belief".

First               he               feared               he'd               have               a               heart               attack.

Next               he               believed               he               was               actually               having               a               heart               attack.

After               that,               he               was               hoping               he'd               have               a               heart               attack.

He               quietly               gripped               the               wheel               and               looked               straight               ahead               and               clenched               his               teeth.
               Flashes               from               news               cameras               grew               as               news               reporters,               hungry               for               news,               circled               Oscar               and               planned               their               attack               and               when               the               feeding               frenzy               would               commence.

Who               were               these               super               heroes               "Stanley               Mallet"               and               "Mighty               Max"?

Everybody               wondered.

The               media               sensed               a               juicy               story               here               and               knew               they               had               their               follow-up               story               for               the               evening               news               in               the               bag.
               Back               on               the               Schuylkill               Expressway,               Stan               was               hoping               and               waiting               for               the               heart               attack,               convinced               this               would               be               the               most               merciful               thing               that               could               happen               to               him.

He               winced               as               he               listened               to               the               continuing               report               and               how               a               Water               Department               technician               needed               to               access               the               "control               room"               in               the               basement               to               reach               the               water               valves.

This               couldn't               be               good.

Stan               found               out               what               had               unfolded               later               on               the               evening               news.
               Unfortunately,               the               worker               from               the               Water               Department               was               armed               only               with               a               flashlight               and               a               monkey               wrench               which               was               no               match               for               the               blob.

The               junk               pile               spotted               him               first               and               all               the               old               scraps               of               iron               and               twisted               steel,               plastic,               and               wood               went               right               for               the               man's               jugular               with               a               "viciousness               rarely               seen               this               far               from               the               equator"               and               landed               the               workman               in               the               emergency               room               at               Pennsylvania               Hospital               where               he               is,               no               doubt,               waiting               for               his               number               to               be               called.
               Fuel               Injection
               Meanwhile,               down               in               the               dungeon               the               Messerschmitt               propeller               wasn't               showing               any               signs               of               stress               fatigue.

A               radio               was               blasting               away               in               the               maelstrom               down               there               to               Wagner's               The               Flying               Dutchman.

The               mixture               of               waste               and               air               compressed,               forming               a               volatile               mixture               that               needed               but               a               spark               to               send               the               High               Soar               to               its               eternal               rest.
               The               National               Guard               had               to               be               called               in.

Through               the               use               of               a               bomb               diffusing               drone,               a               small               tank-like               robot               was               deployed               into               the               boiler               room               where               it               aimed               its               camera               towards               what               scientists,               in               the               weeks               ahead,               termed               "The               Murphy's               Law               Scenario."               It               was               a               three-part               event               that               consisted               of               a)               four               thousand               gallons               of               human               waste               pouring               straight               down               from               the               ceiling               onto               b)               the               precision               made,               German               crafted               3.6592               meter               aerodynamic               propeller               blade               which               injected               a               fine,               pulverized               spray,               a               mist,               directly               onto               the               glowing               boilers               forming               a               hot               compressed               explosive               mixture               which               filled               the               entire               basement               and               finally,               c)               the               unknown               source               of               ignition               that               occurred               shortly               after               the               robots               reported               a               metallic               "clank-like               sound"               resembling               that               of               a               common               cigarette               lighter               snapping               shut.

The               sole               survivor               found               was               wandering               around               dazed               in               the               crater               that               was               left               behind               and               he               wasn't               talking.
               Go               With               the               Flow
               Stan               watched               the               news               that               night               and               knew               this               chapter               in               his               life               had               slammed               shut               loud               enough               to               be               heard               in               Merchantville,               New               Jersey.

He               silently               shook               his               head               and               turned               the               television               off.

Maybe               an               early               retirement               wouldn't               be               so               bad               after               all.
               







Image of double pierced belly button






double pierced belly button
double pierced belly button


double pierced belly button Image 1


double pierced belly button
double pierced belly button


double pierced belly button Image 2


double pierced belly button
double pierced belly button


double pierced belly button Image 3


double pierced belly button
double pierced belly button


double pierced belly button Image 4


double pierced belly button
double pierced belly button


double pierced belly button Image 5


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